Come on it's easy...

What happened to us?

Once we were open
We were vulnerable
We were perfect...

Now we hide ourselves
behind thin veneers
behind cracked facades
behind broken walls...

Let us once again see the beauty around us.
May you once again see the perfection through the eyes of God.

Well it takes one to know one, kid...

What kind of would would this be if everyone could see your deepest fears, and you could see theirs? Hello, my name is: Failure, Abandonment, Heights... Would we hide our faces; never going outside? Or would we rather embrace the sheer humanity of it all and come together. Odds are we would come up with a way to conceal our nakedness...but perhaps I am too pessimistic. Maybe I should have more faith in mankind...

But how can I...?

I'm afraid all my _____ is behind me.

I really don't care to write here much; mainly because it becomes a whining post or a pity party, and I don't care much for whining nor pity parties. That being said, nothing.

Drops of fire would fall so precise...

Mercy pours down like rain
And we are cleansed...

Grace consumes like fire
And we are purified...

Remember that once we were separated from God
And like an amputated limb we served no purpose.

Though we could not see it,
We were covered in filth and the stuff of sin,

But God desired to reconnect with us
And in His infinite selflessness sacrificed Himself

...for us

May you again be washed by His Love...

Like picking up trash in dresses...

So, I made a fascinating discovery this evening. Out of sheer boredom, I found myself clicking the "next blog" link at the top of the screen. Most came out in some language I couldn't even recognize much less understand, but from what I could actually read, most of the blogs out there are people looking for new beginnings or...this sucks...I can't write to save my life. Never mind. Forget I said anything...

Keeping heads above the water...

What reason do we have to brag?

We have nothing clean...nothing pure...nothing good...

But God, in His outstanding mercy,
Placed within each of us a piece of Himself.

Trust in the Lord
Be confident in His Power.

For though we can do nothing lasting ourselves,
we were chosen by God to be His letter to the world...

A letter not of ink, but of Spirit...

Colors inside your head go spinning around...

Spring.
The earth, once dead, resurrected.
Creation begins again.

Let your hearts be renewed.
Your spirits revived.
Your souls restored.

The One who told the stars to shine and the flowers to bloom formed you as well.

May your souls again be filled with His breath of life...

There must be truth to what we're feeling...

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with loneliness, though I can't really say why. There have always been loving people around me. But sometimes I feel completely alone even when with friends or family, and I never understood why. A vast majority of the depression I have dealt with over the years has come from loneliness. Never was I delusional enough to think the problem wasn't largely my fault. While this is a true realization, it did bring with it a hefty weight of guilt. This did not help, as one would imagine. I did not, however, understand why it was my fault. I just simply accepted that it was. Only recently have I begun to see that my focus was skewed. I don't want to start pointing fingers, but most of the examples around aren't the best. So then it's not far-fetched to just assume that life is empty and disconnected and you just sort of get through it. No one likes their job...No relationship is actually happy...There really isn't satisfaction in life...After all, the grass is always greener...but what happens when you realize that it's just the lighting? It's no wonder, then, that people give up, lose hope, or simply move on. Especially in a culture centered around instant gratification. If I don't like my current situation, the fault isn't my own. Why should I change when I can more easily, quickly, and painlessly change the world around me? Or better yet I could just disconnect; unplug. It's not a perfect solution, mind you, but it works...kind of. But you know, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with loneliness, though I can't really say why...

Still don't know what love means...

Recently I have been thinking about the future...a lot. As you might assume, I am finding the answers allude me most of the time. I still have no idea what it takes to be 'grown up'...or even what it means. So, it was upon that conclusion I decided to write down what I want out of life at the most basic level as a starting point. To put it simply and also to quote Bright Eyes what I want is "to love and to be loved". Seems simple enough. It was then the realization hit me that I had yet to define which type of love and in what situations. As most English speakers know "to love" can mean many things. So then let me rephrase. I long for a deep connection with those around me. Mainly because I haven't had much of that in my life. Even if deep love is present. My parents, though not perfect, have always expressed their love for me, but still that close, deep, real connection has been missing. The easiest way to make these connections, in my opinion, is in deep, meaningful conversations. Words hold tremendous power. We have all heard the cliché, "The pen is mightier than the sword", or as Belle & Sebastian put it "I could kill, yeah...sure...but I could only make you cry with these words". A deep conversation allows you to see deep into the other person's soul. It also shows they have an invested interested and even respect by simply listening. The second time I re-met Susan, (for those of you that know us this makes sense) we stayed up all night talking...about everything and about nothing. To me it's what attracted me to her...other than her overwhelming hotness. This is, however, what attracts people to one another on many levels. Whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship, or even a family member. When we actually take the time to sit down with another human being and speak our minds or expose our souls, it is a very bonding experience. Problem is, these situations are few and far between in our culture...especially for guys. When someone asks "How are you?" You reply "Fine." and go about your business even if you're not "fine". And that is only if you make it past the ambiguous head nod. Maybe this is why lying on a couch and talking to someone is worth $300 and hour.

They say you hear voices...

In the storms of our lives...

When we wail and gnash our teeth,

When we panic and throw our tantrums,

When we pull out our hair,

When we scream and cry,

When we shake our fists at the heavens,

When we feel we cannot go on...

God whispers so we cannot hear...So we are forced to listen...

And we fall to our knees...

We are closest to God when we are least like Him...

When we are humiliated, He is sovereign.
When we are penitent, He is righteous.
When we are in need, He is full.
When we cry for help, He extends limitless power.

Come to Him all that are troubled and heavy burdened, all who are surrounded by darkness, all who stumble, all who suffer or worry. Open your mouth wide, and He will fill it.

I see stars that clear have been dead for years...

Science is a funny thing. We have harnessed the power of the atom, decoded DNA, we understand how the universe works....but we don't know why. Why is it that a jumble of atoms allows me to contemplate the fabric of the cosmos? Why is it that the same atoms that form stars make it possible for me to love? Do stars love? Do they ponder their existence? While I don't personally believe it, there is a certain logic in believing everything is a part of god (the word escapes me, if you know it please tell me. thanks). I mean, we're all made of that same stuff. Then from where does language come? Is it the carbon or the hydrochloric acid? If someone took all the same atoms I have inside me and poured them into a vat, will it speak Italian or Chinese? Or would it first wonder why it was poured into that vat and not another, or why not a test tube? Will it love the white coat clad lab tech as its father? ...I doubt it...

Maybe we're better off this way...

I am completely alone. It's just that the connections are so few and far between. I just feel so lonely. I don't know if that's better than nothing or not...Don't get me wrong. I realize that there's a 99.99999999% chance that all of this is my own fault. Then again, I do have a tendency of being hard on myself. I just call them like I see them. I just don't ever feel content, or complete, or happy. Maybe that's all there is though. There's a great chance that I'm probably asking for too much. There's no way to prove that all those people who try to tell you how to be happy actually are. Even if they are, it's not like the same thing(s) make(s) everyone happy. I just wish I could find the cause of it all. What's the one thing I'm missing? or even, What's the one thing I've got right? I used to think it was circumstances that were the problem, the people I was around, the place I lived, what I did, who I was, et all...temporary fixes at best. Nothing ever changed. I just want what was promised to me...