But I Put In Too Much To Turn Away Now...

Ok let me start off by saying that the whole song title as the title of each post thing is way to easy. So, now the titles will be song lyrics adding to the challenge. Not that it really matters since no one reads this. Anyway, just a headsup to...myself I guess.

I have no idea what's going on in my life. Honestly that's the way it's been for a while. Maybe that's just how it goes. So here I am. Stuck. I feel like I'm in a poem...you know the one about the two roads diverged in a narrow wood...that one. I could flip a coin. I've got so many ways to go, it's hard to tell one from another. I guess I could decide what I want first, that would probably help. Truthfully, I don't really know what I want out of life...I mean I know I don't want to be a hobo or anything (not that there's anything wrong with that...just in case any hobos read this...), but is it really as simple as saying "I want to be happy...anything else is fine"? I highly doubt it since I've wanted to be happy for a while. Or maybe it is that easy. Maybe, just maybe, deep down, I don't' want to be happy, and subconsciously I'm keeping myself from being happy. I mean...what if it's too hard being happy. Perhaps being sad is easier...maybe not in the long run, but for a while. They often say the happiest people are those that live only in the present. So maybe being sad is being happy. Or maybe I am just proportionately happy to the amount of work I put into my own happiness...or maybe it's based upon the amount of work I put into making others happy...that makes no sense. Maybe I'm not sad...just crazy...crazier things have happened I suppose...

Someone Else's Life...

Lately, I've been thinking about the future... Probably because it's getting harder and harder to ignore it. Actually, ignore might be the wrong word; I wasn't really doing it on purpose...more like my focus was just on other things. Everybody says to live for today. That would be ideal. No worrying about tomorrow, or next week, or next year...but if you only think about today, what happens when tomorrow slaps you in the face? Sure I'm 22, but that gives me what...58 more years? Seems like a long time, but that's probably best case...what if it's 40...or 10? Or 27 minutes? What will I have to show for it? I want my life to mean something...I want to be special as lame as that seems...