I see stars that clear have been dead for years...

Science is a funny thing. We have harnessed the power of the atom, decoded DNA, we understand how the universe works....but we don't know why. Why is it that a jumble of atoms allows me to contemplate the fabric of the cosmos? Why is it that the same atoms that form stars make it possible for me to love? Do stars love? Do they ponder their existence? While I don't personally believe it, there is a certain logic in believing everything is a part of god (the word escapes me, if you know it please tell me. thanks). I mean, we're all made of that same stuff. Then from where does language come? Is it the carbon or the hydrochloric acid? If someone took all the same atoms I have inside me and poured them into a vat, will it speak Italian or Chinese? Or would it first wonder why it was poured into that vat and not another, or why not a test tube? Will it love the white coat clad lab tech as its father? ...I doubt it...

Maybe we're better off this way...

I am completely alone. It's just that the connections are so few and far between. I just feel so lonely. I don't know if that's better than nothing or not...Don't get me wrong. I realize that there's a 99.99999999% chance that all of this is my own fault. Then again, I do have a tendency of being hard on myself. I just call them like I see them. I just don't ever feel content, or complete, or happy. Maybe that's all there is though. There's a great chance that I'm probably asking for too much. There's no way to prove that all those people who try to tell you how to be happy actually are. Even if they are, it's not like the same thing(s) make(s) everyone happy. I just wish I could find the cause of it all. What's the one thing I'm missing? or even, What's the one thing I've got right? I used to think it was circumstances that were the problem, the people I was around, the place I lived, what I did, who I was, et all...temporary fixes at best. Nothing ever changed. I just want what was promised to me...

And I Lie Well...Hallelujia

Why do I get numb when I should be feeling lots of things? Why does my brain trick my body into thinking it's cold outside simply by looking out the window? Why do people (myself included) put so much weight into temporal things and such little into eternal, spiritual things? Why do we feel like we're owed anything in life? Why do we make assumptions? Why do we watch sports? Why has music been so important throughout history? Why is art in a museum so revered, and art on a boxcar so despised? Why do we love?

Anybody?

But I Put In Too Much To Turn Away Now...

Ok let me start off by saying that the whole song title as the title of each post thing is way to easy. So, now the titles will be song lyrics adding to the challenge. Not that it really matters since no one reads this. Anyway, just a headsup to...myself I guess.

I have no idea what's going on in my life. Honestly that's the way it's been for a while. Maybe that's just how it goes. So here I am. Stuck. I feel like I'm in a poem...you know the one about the two roads diverged in a narrow wood...that one. I could flip a coin. I've got so many ways to go, it's hard to tell one from another. I guess I could decide what I want first, that would probably help. Truthfully, I don't really know what I want out of life...I mean I know I don't want to be a hobo or anything (not that there's anything wrong with that...just in case any hobos read this...), but is it really as simple as saying "I want to be happy...anything else is fine"? I highly doubt it since I've wanted to be happy for a while. Or maybe it is that easy. Maybe, just maybe, deep down, I don't' want to be happy, and subconsciously I'm keeping myself from being happy. I mean...what if it's too hard being happy. Perhaps being sad is easier...maybe not in the long run, but for a while. They often say the happiest people are those that live only in the present. So maybe being sad is being happy. Or maybe I am just proportionately happy to the amount of work I put into my own happiness...or maybe it's based upon the amount of work I put into making others happy...that makes no sense. Maybe I'm not sad...just crazy...crazier things have happened I suppose...

Someone Else's Life...

Lately, I've been thinking about the future... Probably because it's getting harder and harder to ignore it. Actually, ignore might be the wrong word; I wasn't really doing it on purpose...more like my focus was just on other things. Everybody says to live for today. That would be ideal. No worrying about tomorrow, or next week, or next year...but if you only think about today, what happens when tomorrow slaps you in the face? Sure I'm 22, but that gives me what...58 more years? Seems like a long time, but that's probably best case...what if it's 40...or 10? Or 27 minutes? What will I have to show for it? I want my life to mean something...I want to be special as lame as that seems...

We Are Nowhere And It's Now...

Lately things feel like they're falling apart. I understand that life goes through cycles, but things just feel worse. Maybe it's because the stakes are higher now. Maybe I have no idea what's going on. A large chunk of everything just seems pointless. Where's the deeper meaning in it all? Is this it; just this vague misrepresentation of how life was supposed to be? Talk about false advertising. I should sue. Wow. What a great representation of American culture. "I feel you have wronged me in some way...give me money". If only life was that easy.

Now for the fun part:

1. Grab the nearest book
2. Open the book to page 23
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions

"Postmodern architects reject as too austere the modernist requirement that buildings be designed to reflect an absolute unity" A Primer On Postmodernism by Stanley J. Grenz

A New Desert Life...

So today was a good day, which is good. Not great, but great should never be expected. That’s partly what makes great great. That being said, today was a good day. The storm has passed for now. It was a beautiful day, which is hard to stomach when all you can do is stare outside at the kids playing in the fountains and singing the Toys’R’Us theme song in your head while you work. I don’t know if it’s just me, or maybe I’m the first human to evolve to compensate for global warming, but it doesn’t seem that hot out yet. I know it’s only the beginning of June, and I will most likely be dying come August with everyone else, but it seems nice outside. Anyway, hopefully this will be an insiteful, fun, real experience for everyone. By the way, every post will be titled after a song. Guess the band and you get points. Bonus points for the album and any other additional information you have to give. I haven't decided if the points mean anything yet...