Keeping heads above the water...

What reason do we have to brag?

We have nothing clean...nothing pure...nothing good...

But God, in His outstanding mercy,
Placed within each of us a piece of Himself.

Trust in the Lord
Be confident in His Power.

For though we can do nothing lasting ourselves,
we were chosen by God to be His letter to the world...

A letter not of ink, but of Spirit...

Colors inside your head go spinning around...

Spring.
The earth, once dead, resurrected.
Creation begins again.

Let your hearts be renewed.
Your spirits revived.
Your souls restored.

The One who told the stars to shine and the flowers to bloom formed you as well.

May your souls again be filled with His breath of life...

There must be truth to what we're feeling...

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with loneliness, though I can't really say why. There have always been loving people around me. But sometimes I feel completely alone even when with friends or family, and I never understood why. A vast majority of the depression I have dealt with over the years has come from loneliness. Never was I delusional enough to think the problem wasn't largely my fault. While this is a true realization, it did bring with it a hefty weight of guilt. This did not help, as one would imagine. I did not, however, understand why it was my fault. I just simply accepted that it was. Only recently have I begun to see that my focus was skewed. I don't want to start pointing fingers, but most of the examples around aren't the best. So then it's not far-fetched to just assume that life is empty and disconnected and you just sort of get through it. No one likes their job...No relationship is actually happy...There really isn't satisfaction in life...After all, the grass is always greener...but what happens when you realize that it's just the lighting? It's no wonder, then, that people give up, lose hope, or simply move on. Especially in a culture centered around instant gratification. If I don't like my current situation, the fault isn't my own. Why should I change when I can more easily, quickly, and painlessly change the world around me? Or better yet I could just disconnect; unplug. It's not a perfect solution, mind you, but it works...kind of. But you know, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with loneliness, though I can't really say why...

Still don't know what love means...

Recently I have been thinking about the future...a lot. As you might assume, I am finding the answers allude me most of the time. I still have no idea what it takes to be 'grown up'...or even what it means. So, it was upon that conclusion I decided to write down what I want out of life at the most basic level as a starting point. To put it simply and also to quote Bright Eyes what I want is "to love and to be loved". Seems simple enough. It was then the realization hit me that I had yet to define which type of love and in what situations. As most English speakers know "to love" can mean many things. So then let me rephrase. I long for a deep connection with those around me. Mainly because I haven't had much of that in my life. Even if deep love is present. My parents, though not perfect, have always expressed their love for me, but still that close, deep, real connection has been missing. The easiest way to make these connections, in my opinion, is in deep, meaningful conversations. Words hold tremendous power. We have all heard the cliché, "The pen is mightier than the sword", or as Belle & Sebastian put it "I could kill, yeah...sure...but I could only make you cry with these words". A deep conversation allows you to see deep into the other person's soul. It also shows they have an invested interested and even respect by simply listening. The second time I re-met Susan, (for those of you that know us this makes sense) we stayed up all night talking...about everything and about nothing. To me it's what attracted me to her...other than her overwhelming hotness. This is, however, what attracts people to one another on many levels. Whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship, or even a family member. When we actually take the time to sit down with another human being and speak our minds or expose our souls, it is a very bonding experience. Problem is, these situations are few and far between in our culture...especially for guys. When someone asks "How are you?" You reply "Fine." and go about your business even if you're not "fine". And that is only if you make it past the ambiguous head nod. Maybe this is why lying on a couch and talking to someone is worth $300 and hour.